My heart is in my stomach...

My arms feel week. My breathing is short and my mind is racing. Right now, I see him. We speak no words, he just walks up and embraces me. The ice that has been encasing my heart for the last year melts as I feel his hands meet my back. It has been so long, I have forgotten how he feels in my arms. 

Last year, I had the opportunity to take his hand and face the world. Together. Instead, I crossed my arms and turned away. I had been crushed by a previous love, and from that I learned never to trust anyone else with my band-aid covered heart. But I wanted to. Oh, I really wanted to. I just couldn't do it. Better to be safe than sorry, right? I had my friends, who were great company, and a 12-week old extremely playful Siberian Husky. I wish I could have seen how wrong I was to think that would suffice. After I tasted the new flavor of life that he brought, I was hooked. I still am.

He pulls away and I notice in his eyes that life hasn't been very kind to him. He smiles at me, and for a moment, my feet are in the sand, our fingers are interlocked, my head is on his shoulder, and the sun is painting what I feel onto its canvas that is the sky. I blink and my feet are now covered with ratty converse instead of sand. Lake Huron is no longer meeting the horizon. I am standing on scuffed tiling, surrounded by over the counter medications and toothpaste. Rite-Aid in Grand Rapids hardly holds the same opportunity for an intimate connection as Caseville did, but I'm not complaining. We could be standing next to the county dump and I would still be on cloud nine. I missed that smile.

His eyes take their turn to speak. I don't know what his recent past holds but it must not have been positive. His green eyes are slightly sunken, wrinkles are formed on the corners, and he just looks... older. I feel my hand try to reach for his. I need to make everything better. Instead, my hand finds my own face, as if I need to assure it's still there. I walked away from him. I left him to face the world alone. His heart was broken the same way my previous love had broken mine. 

Why can't I speak? There is so much I want to say. I'm sorry. I love you. You are still the one who holds my heart and I was so wrong to push you away. But I am frozen. I need to say something, but I can't. 

Suddenly, I missed my chance. I'm staring into the darkness in the direction of my ceiling and I realize it was all a dream. You came back, but only in my mind. My eyes squeeze shut and I am begging my brain to take me back. But it's too late. You're gone.

Sometimes...

People often assume things that aren't true. Specifically, that I'm a heartless bitch. I guess, since that's how certain people have been acting toward me lately. Just in case you're reading this, and you think this of me, I hope I never did anything to you to make you think that. While I often don't like myself, I try to be a better person to those around me. Give yourself a chance to really know me before you assume, and I'll do the same.

Moving on, today I went to the beach with a friend of mine. We chatted about a lot. Family, God, boys, reading saxophone playing Swedish super model chefs who are always stocked with sunscreen and chapstick... I forgot something there. But you get my point. I've got to grow up. I've got to get a job and start depending on myself. While I have friends, the only person who has ever been able to see every side of me (and understand each one) isn't here anymore. How do you emotionally depend on one person for so long and then stop? What am I supposed to do now? I mean, I can't force that connection with anyone but I crave it so bad. I need to be able to show my rawest form to my best friend without any conditions or consequences. I just don't have that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting down the friends I have, I love them. But I need a best friend. I need a family that can hold themselves together. I need to learn how to be happy with myself.

I guess this was just a bad week.

Until next time,
Come on.
 

I Love Quidditch Players

They are easily some of my favorite kind of people. The passion of a competitive sport PLUS the basis of Harry Potter... these are the kind of people I want to be surrounded by. I can't help but to be in a good mood around my team. The fire I feel in me when my head is down, my eyes are shut, knee on the ground, and I'm waiting to hear the "b" in "brooms up" is such an incredible thing to feel when you know 13 other people on the pitch are feeling the same thing you are. 

I'll stop swooning over Quidditch now, and just give an update on the last week of my life. SO MUCH PLANNING. But our tournament went extremely well. 5 teams ended up there: us, the Jetpack Ninja Dinosaurs from Space, Ball State University, IUSB, and Central Michigan University. Even though we had some road bumps along the way, I would have to say it was extremely successful. We ended up taking third, and I have never been so proud of my team. Every single person played from the heart and you could definitely see it. The programs we made came out really well, the pitch turned out nice, the weather was gorgeous, the sound system worked well, and the people were awesome.

We've got another tournament coming up on the 31st at MSU. I'm hoping I'll be up and running again by next week so I can get some more practice in. I'm ready to get on the ground again. I can't wait. 

Until next time,
Quidditch or GTFO.

 

Hello Sunshine!

It's so beautiful here. Right now, I'm sitting outside, creating an ad for this weekend, and I'm not even at my own place... haha. Well, if you want to be technical, I'm typing this blog and not creating an ad, but you understand my point, right? The weather over the past couple days has been phenomenal. Yesterday, it hit 80 degrees. I was seriously contemplating going to the beach. Then I remembered that it is March, I had Quidditch practice, and the water was probably freezing. But, a girl can dream, right? :)

The weather has been giving me all kinds of good feelings. I haven't been really down lately or anything, just kinda in a constant "eh" mood. It's like, I'm optimistic. I'm ready to tackle some Quidditch players on Saturday. :) While there's still a lot to be done before Saturday, I'm proud of how much work and effort that has already been put into this, not even just from our team. We've made almost $100 just from advertising in our program, and we've got volunteers coming from other schools to help us out. The Quidditch community includes some of my favorite people in the world. 

Speaking of Quidditch... kinda... I officially registered for this year's LeakyCon! I haven't been to any of the previous ones, but since I know some really awesome dedicated HP fans like myself (who also happen to be Quidditch players... YEAH.), I will be heading to Chicago this August to go nerd it out. I'm way too excited for this. My life is awesome.

On a completely separate note, I, and I'm sure many others, really wish I had a remote control for life. Right now I wish I could just pause time, frolic in the warm sunshine, take a nap, check off everything on my to-do list, and maybe even clean the apartment. 

However, since I don't have this remote, I'm gonna go try to get some of those things done with the little time I have. ;)

Until next time, 
Ready to kick some muggle ass. ;)

 

Not Everything Needs to Be Serious.

I just read one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. Be aware, it's a bit past pg-13.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nhm/1629950745.html

Maybe it's because it's past 4:30 in the morning that I find this post so funny, but I'm not complaining. I just thought I'd share this with you.

I have a sign language performance in about 5 hours. Since I have to take the bus downtown for this class, I'm not going to sleep as I'm WAY TOO AFRAID of sleeping through this. THIS is what I'm doing with my life and I just can't let this one go. I enjoy signing and for once I have confidence in what I'm doing. :)

Sorry tonight's post isn't really entertaining (not that my other ones really are) but I'm gonna go practice signing about my trip to the library.

Until next time!
I miss you.