The brick in my hands feels grainy and rough. I've been sitting against an abandoned building in my hometown with this brick for well over an hour. Maybe it has even been two. My only judgement of time comes from the shadow that my piece of shit car creates. The sidewalk is nowhere near what you could classify as "maintained" with weeds seeping out of the infinite cracks in the concrete. There's a shattered bottle to my left and a pair of worn out sneakers to my right. All of my surroundings scream "failure" and "abandonment" and I feel right at home. Aside from my butt hurting from sitting so long, I am content. This is where I belong.

I've spent most of my time against the crumbling wall overthinking everything about my life. I'm even overthinking whether I'm overthinking or not. This is nothing new, but I feel so different from my normal thought process. Everything seems to be going right, but still I am unhappy. I still don't even know why; and that makes me even more depressed. Emotionally I am drained. That is why I am where I am.  


I find myself rubbing one of the weeds between the fingers of my free hand and suddenly feel for the rather silky feeling plant. It has spent its whole life trying to make a life where someone else gave up. Most of us have been taught that weeds are a nuisance and should be uprooted and destroyed. After all that, it still tries to find a way to regrow and flourish. How can I not respect that? Hell, I could learn something from this thing.

Who am I kidding? It's a fucking weed. Why am I trying to make it motivate my life? In a flash, I am pissed. I am SO ANGRY. Every hurtful thing you've thrown at me is suddenly forcing its way out of me and now I really understand why I'm here. I'm addicted to this. I drive a death trap of a car because secretly I hope it is just that: a death trap. I love feeling worthless and incapable of accomplishing anything. I find satisfaction in knowing that I'm proving everything you said about me to be true. I am a loser. Aside from finishing the entire now-broken fifth of Captain Morgan by myself, I will never have anything I can be proud of. I know something isn't right because my insides are on fire and my outsides seem to be at peace. My brain is screaming at me to rip the weed right out of its home but my fingers just aren't cooperating. I feel the alcohol making my eyelids heavy as my soul is fighting with everything to just rage. But like most other times, my soul loses the battle and quickly I slip out of consciousness. 


I wrote this so long ago...

LOOK-BACK REMEMBER WOW CHANGE(puff cheeks)

I'm in the back seat of some Honda with 3 of my friends that I didn't even know were friends yet. Irish road is closed down to one lane going one direction because of some construction. We have the right of way, as in, people should not be coming the other direction at all. Yet I still see headlights. Two of us are trying to exit the same channel. It's scary for a second. I remember some of the most random parts of my life. 

It's early Summer... I think. I don't know, it's warm. Grandma Estella calls me to the middle room. My bed may have been in there, but Casey's bed was always closer to the window anyway, so the thing didn't touch MY blanket. And also that's how it's painted in my mind. The window is wide open. The sun is shining off of our extensively overgrown lawn. The raccoon is chilling in the windowsill. I shut the door. My thoughts, translated into a language my current self can speak, were as follows:

Fuck that.

My brain thought of that one when I asked it for a random memory. I'm not sure why it chose that particular setting but maybe it set a course for my life. From that moment on, "Fuck that" would be a reoccurring theme in my life. 

Anyway, my dad and uncle ended up coaxing the critter out of the house with a 2x4. All was well. The point is, I bought a house with Ryan. And that's what got through channel.

The end is nigh!

The end of my teenage years of course. June 15th, 20 years old! 2 decades... holy crap! Seems like forever. Like a lifetime. Oh wait...

I finally got a job. McDonalds... woo. But a job is a job and I'm that much closer to getting my baby, aka a 2008 Kawasaki Ninja 250r. Lime green of course. :)

My most important update though, I'm happy. For the first time in a long while, I am happy with how things are going. No, life isn't perfect but you can't exactly know what happiness is if you don't experience the downsides of things. 

Most of the people currently in my life are awesome. I've patched up (kinda) things with a couple people, spent more time hanging out with people instead of being lazy around my house, and I even went out and got my motorcycle endorsement! Progress! Toward what, I'm not sure, but I dig it. 

I apologize if this post wasn't all that entertaining, but I promise my next one will be another short (short) story. :)

Until next time,
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

P.S. I still need your help with tour de cure! If you donate to my cause, I will love you forever! Though I probably already do. :)

 

Diabeetus!

As a lot of you know, I have diabetes. I'm not gonna complain about the finger pokes, injections, blood sugar spikes and drops, or anything like that. But it is important to know these things when considering the importance of finding a cure. And these things are just the easy stuff! There are thousands of people, children even, who have a lot of difficulty managing their blood sugars and consequently, their lives. That's why I'm participating in a 10 mile bike ride called Tour de Cure to raise awareness, prevention, and to help find a cure for diabetes. However, I need to raise $200 (at least! More is always great!) by then. That's where YOU come in. :)

You can always donate (anonymously if you prefer) at my tour page or in person to me. I really appreciate it!


Last year I got to participate and it was an amazing experience! I got a jersey for being a "Red Rider" or a rider with diabetes, and when I finished, I got special applause for it. It felt so incredible, like I was receiving much more support than I have ever received in my life. It's really hard to explain how awesome it was. I'd like to experience that again this year! So Help me out, please? :)


Until Next Time,
Still a Diabetic!

I'm Lying in this Bed for the Last Time

Literally. Today I'm moving out of college for the Summer, finishing up my second year at GVSU. This year completely flew by. I swear, just yesterday I was in New York, and just before that I was moving in! Unfortunately it was the worst year academically, but that's just a bump in the road. I'm growing up now. This will be my last Summer in Flint, which is kinda scary. Who will I stay in touch with? Am I really growing up? What if I want to stay here and play Quidditch forever? :)
I'm fine really. It's just weird to think how fast the pace is that my life is moving. I can't wait to spend the next couple months with my family because on July 20th, I actually move out here. I won't live in a dorm or anything, I'm actually living in a townhouse. Weird! Ah!
Brayden is getting so big, and I haven't seen him in over a month. I cannot wait until he gets here. I met some pretty awesome people at college and I love them but I wouldn't stay another day here over seeing him. Now if only Kaela, Nick, and Dominick lived in Michigan... 

I should probably go pack my stuff now.

Until Next Time,
No more dying of heat! :D

I Don't Really Do My Best Thinking in the Shower

Well, life is still confusing. College is weird and people are interesting. Life is both, plus some.

In a way, I'm glad that "success" and money are important. It gives you something to work for, but I feel like most people think that success IS money when really I think it isn't. College is supposed to be the best years of your life, right? Here we are able to explore paths that aren't available to us in other parts of our life. At the same time, isn't it hindering? We're expected to figure things out in the first year of college (they say 2 years, but they're lying) but that's only considering what you've experienced so far in life. There are so many things to take into consideration aside from a career when trying to plan out your life that you almost have to be able to see into the future to do it. I've always been the kind of person to play things out in my head before they happen, only to find they don't happen how I expect them to at all. I also try to force a path to go one way, when it's clearly trying to go another. Why am I so filled with anxiety because I'm so bent on making the best decisions? Am I just scared that life isn't going to be what I want it to be? And what exactly is it that I want from life? 

I've learned that it's possible to fall into a cycle of expecting bad things to happen and consequently causing the self-fulfilling prophecy thing to occur, which in turn makes me lose faith in other things. I've also learned that I am comfortable in that cycle. I'm comfortable with expecting to be let down, then not being so disappointed when it happens. I'm comfortable letting other people down to avoid high expectations of me. I am comfortable in not having confidence to succeed, which to me is more than just finance, but I still haven't defined it yet. It's only today that I realized I'm not okay with any of this. Yes it's familiar, and maybe it's cozy. But I don't want to be here anymore. Why should I be okay with something less than great? 

Aside from trying to figure out my career choice in college, I feel like it's where I am finding my confidence and learning what success is. Living below the standard I found here makes me realize that if I set myself up to fail, that's exactly what will happen. Forget trying to plan life out, that only makes me expect disappointment. I will find success, and I refuse to have it any other way.

Until next time,
When in doubt, chapstick.

Letter I'll Never Send #2

To you,

It's been awhile, and I'm surprised it's taken me this long. I hope life is alright with you. In case you were wondering, I've been okay. It's hard sometimes to remember to relax in life. I need to just be patient and stop trying to grow up so fast. My years are going by fast and I hardly get to stop and take a breath. I've been lucky enough to do it a lot recently though. You probably don't know this, but I've been signing a lot lately. I feel like God has been trying to guide me this way for awhile. Maybe not God, but something. He's still something I'm pretty unsure of. We talked about Him a little over the course of our friendship, and I don't think much has changed as far as that goes. 

I wish you were still here. Sometimes I want to just be next to you and talk about a lot of the stuff we used to. I liked your view on life. I'm pretty curious to know if that's changed. At the same time, I really hope you're doing your own thing. I hope things are going in the direction you couldn't go with me there. I think I've changed a bit, even within the last month. Can't really fight it forever, can you? :)

In the small chance you will actually read this, I want you to know that I've forgiven you, and I've forgiven myself. I don't believe in fate, but I know we were supposed to cross paths. You strengthened me as a person, and for that I will always be grateful. I hope in the end, I had some positive effect on you too. I understand that no matter how much you want something to turn out one way, or how hard you try to push it in one direction, it's gonna do its own thing. And now we're only left with memories. In some way, moments with you are like 90's cartoons. Sometimes I'm gonna flip on netflix to watch with nostalgia, but they're not being made anymore. Maybe someday I'll find cartoons I like better, but at the moment 90s cartoons are still the best. ;)

I won't say anymore for now, even though you know I could talk for hours. I just wanted you to know that I still smile when I think of you. 

Until we meet again,
Rachel