I've decided that I'm going to start writing in the form of letters to people who may or may not be important to me for a little while. With that, here begins letters I will never send.
Dear You,
I miss you. Today I was thinking about you, like every day. I miss spending days at a time in your apartment. How are you doing? How's heaven? Is it like I imagine? Heaven to me is not perfect. It's a continuous adventure with ups and downs. Really, it's life without the fear of death. Loving without the fear of being hurt. Heaven is the lack of fear. Is that what it's like? You can't be afraid for me because you know I'll be okay in the end. I'd ask you to give me a glimpse, but I don't want to live in the future all the same I don't want to live in the past.
Can you run without being afraid of pain? Can you jump? Are you with your siblings again? Is that where you'd rather be?
How do I know you're really there?
I miss you. I hate that I can remember some of our worst moments even though I know that's not what you care about.
I'm so curious about death, but I'm not afraid. I want to enjoy what is a little more certain right now.
What if there's nothing?
I hope to hear from you soon. Love you,
Your Big Baby Girl
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
OHHH ADULTHOOD
Okay, deep breath. I may or may not be about to take the next step into my adult phase of life. Two of my friends and I are very possibly looking at signing a 12 month lease on a townhouse for next year, starting in July. Where is my life going?! I can't explain how scary yet exciting this is. Here comes even more responsibility. But the fun kind! I'd have to say I'm definitely more excited than scared. But where did some of my favorite things go?
For instance, when I was little, my dad played this game called Monster Dad with my sister and me. It was just this silly game where my dad would hide somewhere while my sister and I went looking for him around the house, and he'd jump out and chase us with his hands up like claws. My sister and I laughed and screamed and ran... It was so simple but it's one of my favorite memories ever.
And one day, I was living in my first house, and it was a really warm spring morning. I was walking to the bus stop two doors down between two giant pines. There's not much special about this memory, but there was a special warmth and happiness that is emphasized in my head that I wish I could grasp. I have no idea what made that moment so amazing in a young girl's head. Maybe it was the pure innocence of the moment, I don't know. Whatever it was, it's forever cemented in my head.
What causes simple moments like that to be implanted into our best memories? Whether it's your grandmother tucking you in with a certain sheet on her couch, or jumping on your old trampoline with dish soap... what makes some of those special moments special?
If we had the ability to seize these feelings as we remembered them... wouldn't that be amazing? Maybe later on, I'll be able to gain those feelings again through my children and grandchildren. Who knows? For now, I'll live in the moment.
Don't forget to appreciate the little things. Someday they may be the best memories you have!
Until next time,
I'm growing up.
For instance, when I was little, my dad played this game called Monster Dad with my sister and me. It was just this silly game where my dad would hide somewhere while my sister and I went looking for him around the house, and he'd jump out and chase us with his hands up like claws. My sister and I laughed and screamed and ran... It was so simple but it's one of my favorite memories ever.
And one day, I was living in my first house, and it was a really warm spring morning. I was walking to the bus stop two doors down between two giant pines. There's not much special about this memory, but there was a special warmth and happiness that is emphasized in my head that I wish I could grasp. I have no idea what made that moment so amazing in a young girl's head. Maybe it was the pure innocence of the moment, I don't know. Whatever it was, it's forever cemented in my head.
What causes simple moments like that to be implanted into our best memories? Whether it's your grandmother tucking you in with a certain sheet on her couch, or jumping on your old trampoline with dish soap... what makes some of those special moments special?
If we had the ability to seize these feelings as we remembered them... wouldn't that be amazing? Maybe later on, I'll be able to gain those feelings again through my children and grandchildren. Who knows? For now, I'll live in the moment.
Don't forget to appreciate the little things. Someday they may be the best memories you have!
Until next time,
I'm growing up.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I Should Have Listened...
I'd like to say... my parents are almost always right. I used to think, "oh my gosh, just STOP TALKING. Things are WAY different than when you were a teenager." Now I think, "how did they know all of this? It's almost perfect!"
Among many things they were right about like love and school is friendship. I kinda had an inkling that they'd be right that I'd experience heartbreak a couple times before I found the right one and that I'd probably change my mind about what I want to do in college. Of course, not to this degree but I had some sort of idea. However, when they said that the friends you make in college are the ones that are going to be around forever, I called bullshit. There was no way that I was going to lose the friends in high school. We all had so much fun together! Now, I probably talk to 2 people on a daily basis. Maybe one more like once per week, but that's about it. Mostly it's "hey, I miss you! Let's catch up!" which is true, I do miss them and want to see them, but these are the people I thought I'd talk to everyday, no matter where we went after high school.
Now, my best friend goes to school with me. I hang out with him literally every day that I'm here, and there's no doubt we'll be friends forever. He's like the mellow I need while still having the same high-energy personality that I need in a friend. And of course there's Emily, who lately I don't get to hang out with a whole lot (and I miss that TONS), she's very similar to me with the aspects that I like about myself while being her own person. She's one of the very few down to Earth girls I know, and sometimes she unknowingly chills out the bad-crazy side of me. And DeLain... who is a great role model, a really good listener, and someone I can also see myself being friends with for a long time.
The crazy thing about just these 3 is that I never would have had any idea that they'd be the closest ones to me while I was here when I first met them. In reality, this year brought me so much closer to them all that I feel like only because of them am I able to loosen up my grip on some of the things I was trying to hold onto at home. I hope they're going to be the ones my parents talked to me about before I even met them. And of course, there's so many people I'm STILL meeting! My Quidditch team consists of some of the most interesting and admirable people I know. They have great hearts and the kind of fire inside them that I find to be essential in enjoying life. I'm becoming closer to some people I thought I never would and I can't explain how happy that makes me.
So many different and AWESOME people... I'm thankful for so many of them. I'm thankful for the ones that were once a part of my life and may or may not be anymore as well. and I'm going to be honest when I say that there's a couple of you that I miss way more than I should. But without them, who knows if I'd know some of the people I do now. I'm so glad that my parents were right.
I hope you are lucky enough to find friends that are as amazing as mine. Remember that not everybody is a bad egg. In fact, I've learned that most people aren't. Try to find the best in everyone and with that, I think you will find the best in yourself.
Until next time,
No Regrets
Among many things they were right about like love and school is friendship. I kinda had an inkling that they'd be right that I'd experience heartbreak a couple times before I found the right one and that I'd probably change my mind about what I want to do in college. Of course, not to this degree but I had some sort of idea. However, when they said that the friends you make in college are the ones that are going to be around forever, I called bullshit. There was no way that I was going to lose the friends in high school. We all had so much fun together! Now, I probably talk to 2 people on a daily basis. Maybe one more like once per week, but that's about it. Mostly it's "hey, I miss you! Let's catch up!" which is true, I do miss them and want to see them, but these are the people I thought I'd talk to everyday, no matter where we went after high school.
Now, my best friend goes to school with me. I hang out with him literally every day that I'm here, and there's no doubt we'll be friends forever. He's like the mellow I need while still having the same high-energy personality that I need in a friend. And of course there's Emily, who lately I don't get to hang out with a whole lot (and I miss that TONS), she's very similar to me with the aspects that I like about myself while being her own person. She's one of the very few down to Earth girls I know, and sometimes she unknowingly chills out the bad-crazy side of me. And DeLain... who is a great role model, a really good listener, and someone I can also see myself being friends with for a long time.
The crazy thing about just these 3 is that I never would have had any idea that they'd be the closest ones to me while I was here when I first met them. In reality, this year brought me so much closer to them all that I feel like only because of them am I able to loosen up my grip on some of the things I was trying to hold onto at home. I hope they're going to be the ones my parents talked to me about before I even met them. And of course, there's so many people I'm STILL meeting! My Quidditch team consists of some of the most interesting and admirable people I know. They have great hearts and the kind of fire inside them that I find to be essential in enjoying life. I'm becoming closer to some people I thought I never would and I can't explain how happy that makes me.
So many different and AWESOME people... I'm thankful for so many of them. I'm thankful for the ones that were once a part of my life and may or may not be anymore as well. and I'm going to be honest when I say that there's a couple of you that I miss way more than I should. But without them, who knows if I'd know some of the people I do now. I'm so glad that my parents were right.
I hope you are lucky enough to find friends that are as amazing as mine. Remember that not everybody is a bad egg. In fact, I've learned that most people aren't. Try to find the best in everyone and with that, I think you will find the best in yourself.
Until next time,
No Regrets
Friday, February 17, 2012
My Life... It Might Like Me
Alright... I might just be on some emotional high right now, but it's awesome. I was informed yesterday that GVSU is making ASL Interpreting a major here next year. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but it really is! It's going to keep me at GVSU, and I don't know... I just feel like my life might be finally turning the direction I want to go. THIS is what I want to do, and I'm finally going to be able to say that and be CERTAIN about the major I'm choosing (as I've already changed it twice). It's hard to accurately explain how big of a deal this is to me, but my life is falling into place. For the first time in a loooooong time, I feel like I can look forward to the rest of my life.
Today I feel like I can take on the world. I finally feel a concrete feeling of happiness. Obviously I could go on and on about how happy I feel but that would just consist of me rambling and grinning at my computer.
I can't help but to feel like this isn't all just chance. I told life that it's gonna turn around, and that's what's gonna happen.
This may or may not have something to do with my good mood, but try to smile at someone today. Say hello or just give a non-creepy grin. You never know what it will do for someone. ;)
Until next time,
I'm making life my bitch.
Today I feel like I can take on the world. I finally feel a concrete feeling of happiness. Obviously I could go on and on about how happy I feel but that would just consist of me rambling and grinning at my computer.
I can't help but to feel like this isn't all just chance. I told life that it's gonna turn around, and that's what's gonna happen.
This may or may not have something to do with my good mood, but try to smile at someone today. Say hello or just give a non-creepy grin. You never know what it will do for someone. ;)
Until next time,
I'm making life my bitch.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Maybe I'm Just Crazy
Maybe meaning definitely and crazy meaning insane, this statement is true. My head just can't take it sometimes. I know I'm not the greatest person to be saying these things but for the love of God, find SOMETHING POSITIVE. If you're constantly negative, you're going to bring down the people around you. Yes, I'm learning this slowly, but please. Don't learn it after losing people who are important to you.
I can't say who is important and unimportant to me because I feel like some people would be surprised, good and bad. But I can say, life is what you make of it. Surround yourself with the kind of people you wish the world were made of, because they're what make up YOUR world. I'm trying to give some people extra chances, but when you're fucking with MY world, I'm not going to be happy with it. I know who is going to brighten my journey, and I'll be damned if I let someone change that with ease. Not to just one person specifically, open your eyes to the world around you. If you don't like your life, make a change. If you do, appreciate it with everything you can. With most things in life, you don't REALLY get a second chance. Once you screw up, you screw up and it's not easy to forget it. Relationships with people are like styrofoam. The first impression is the blank piece and after that, everything you write in it is going to stay. Every cut and scratch is going to be there every single day after that and you can't change that. People forgive, but people don't forget and because of that, you will never get a second chance once you break the styrofoam, no matter how much you try to glue, tape, or melt it back together.
YOU are in control of your life. Love what you love and cut out what pains you. Sometimes love IS what pains you but remember that if it's really something you love, it shouldn't be hurting you.
Usually here is where I say to remember that you are loved and you deserve the world. While I still hold true to that, I hope you realize that just because you know you love someone, doesn't mean they do. Take time to let those people know, and don't always grasp the negative.
After all, without sadness, how would we know what happiness is?
Until next time,
I love you.
I can't say who is important and unimportant to me because I feel like some people would be surprised, good and bad. But I can say, life is what you make of it. Surround yourself with the kind of people you wish the world were made of, because they're what make up YOUR world. I'm trying to give some people extra chances, but when you're fucking with MY world, I'm not going to be happy with it. I know who is going to brighten my journey, and I'll be damned if I let someone change that with ease. Not to just one person specifically, open your eyes to the world around you. If you don't like your life, make a change. If you do, appreciate it with everything you can. With most things in life, you don't REALLY get a second chance. Once you screw up, you screw up and it's not easy to forget it. Relationships with people are like styrofoam. The first impression is the blank piece and after that, everything you write in it is going to stay. Every cut and scratch is going to be there every single day after that and you can't change that. People forgive, but people don't forget and because of that, you will never get a second chance once you break the styrofoam, no matter how much you try to glue, tape, or melt it back together.
YOU are in control of your life. Love what you love and cut out what pains you. Sometimes love IS what pains you but remember that if it's really something you love, it shouldn't be hurting you.
Usually here is where I say to remember that you are loved and you deserve the world. While I still hold true to that, I hope you realize that just because you know you love someone, doesn't mean they do. Take time to let those people know, and don't always grasp the negative.
After all, without sadness, how would we know what happiness is?
Until next time,
I love you.
I Don't Hate Valentine's Day
Yeah, I'm newly single and my ex-boyfriend's v-day present may have just come in the mail but you know what? I refuse to be bitter. It makes me think of baking chocolate and I'm definitely NOT baking chocolate. I'm more like white chocolate chips with like raspberry swirl. Only maybe like strawberry. I dunno, I'm just not bittersweet chocolate. Bleh.
I spent yesterday with my best friend, pizza, silly string, a sock monkey, light sabers, Star Wars masks, Chinese food and cookies. I definitely enjoyed the day, but in a way it made me feel like shit. Why is it that I have something so amazing in front of me, but I just can't accept it? Someone who would genuinely want to be with me, who treats me like I always wanted to be treated is RIGHT THERE and I just can't do it. I don't understand what makes me want to be in a broken relationship with someone so bad and completely brush off the ones with a lot of potential...
I know I talk about love a lot, but it's by far the most complicated emotion I have ever had the pleasure/torment of experiencing. It's the only emotion that can make me feel either like I'm standing on top of the world or falling to my knees. I hate that my past (and most likely current, truthfully) feelings are embedded into literally every single thing I do/see/feel. I hate how at some points in the day I feel like I've got so many paths I can choose from, but a couple hours later, when I'm alone in my bed and I have time to think, I only want to turn around and go back down the path I just came from. I just don't think I'm made out to be apathetic. And I don't think I'm made to give up. Maybe that's why I hang on to things for much longer than I should. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting go. But maybe I'm changing, because this time is much easier.
Maybe I don't want to change. One of my closest friends told me last night that I haven't changed a bit. I don't know how much I agree with that, but at the core I am the same. I've messed up my surface a bit and I don't like it, like I've said before. I'm working on it, though, and eventually I'll get there. Eventually.
But what if this was my last post? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, because I'm not, I'm just really curious about death. My point though is if I were to die before my next post, I wouldn't be who I want to be. I'm not satisfied with life, I just don't know what it is that I'm craving. I've experienced love (I think), college, heartbreak, blah blah. What am I missing out on? Why do I bring about more questions when I think about other questions? And what is so fascinating about death?
I guess some questions never get answered.
Until next time,
My head is swimming.
I spent yesterday with my best friend, pizza, silly string, a sock monkey, light sabers, Star Wars masks, Chinese food and cookies. I definitely enjoyed the day, but in a way it made me feel like shit. Why is it that I have something so amazing in front of me, but I just can't accept it? Someone who would genuinely want to be with me, who treats me like I always wanted to be treated is RIGHT THERE and I just can't do it. I don't understand what makes me want to be in a broken relationship with someone so bad and completely brush off the ones with a lot of potential...
I know I talk about love a lot, but it's by far the most complicated emotion I have ever had the pleasure/torment of experiencing. It's the only emotion that can make me feel either like I'm standing on top of the world or falling to my knees. I hate that my past (and most likely current, truthfully) feelings are embedded into literally every single thing I do/see/feel. I hate how at some points in the day I feel like I've got so many paths I can choose from, but a couple hours later, when I'm alone in my bed and I have time to think, I only want to turn around and go back down the path I just came from. I just don't think I'm made out to be apathetic. And I don't think I'm made to give up. Maybe that's why I hang on to things for much longer than I should. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting go. But maybe I'm changing, because this time is much easier.
Maybe I don't want to change. One of my closest friends told me last night that I haven't changed a bit. I don't know how much I agree with that, but at the core I am the same. I've messed up my surface a bit and I don't like it, like I've said before. I'm working on it, though, and eventually I'll get there. Eventually.
But what if this was my last post? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, because I'm not, I'm just really curious about death. My point though is if I were to die before my next post, I wouldn't be who I want to be. I'm not satisfied with life, I just don't know what it is that I'm craving. I've experienced love (I think), college, heartbreak, blah blah. What am I missing out on? Why do I bring about more questions when I think about other questions? And what is so fascinating about death?
I guess some questions never get answered.
Until next time,
My head is swimming.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Weeeelllllllllllll...
We'll see where this goes. How am I moving on so fast? I'd think that I'm just trying to get over the whole thing but... I don't care anymore. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. It feels nice. Hopefully we can be friends down the road, but we've tried that before. I know this is my blog but I'm gonna do my best not to talk about him anymore. He's not a part of my life anymore, and I don't have any hard feelings toward him. I truly wish him the best.
Moving on, my school's internet absolutely sucks. I shouldn't say that right now, cause I can actually load a video via youtube. It's awesome, I can't ever do that. And now I can't stop listening to Relient K. My friend asked me the other day if I liked them, and since then, that's all I can listen to.
OH OH. AND MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS FIXED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME?! Maybe not, because maybe you don't know me and maybe nobody reads this in the first place. Who knows. All I know is I fell asleep shortly after getting to watch The Walking Dead at 11. AND I woke up BEFORE my alarm told me to! I don't know the last time that happened... if it ever did.
I just got excited over going to sleep. My life is so lame. XD But hey, I went to Chuck E Cheese last week. And Dammit, I enjoyed it. Plus I made dinner last night, meatloaf and cheesy bacon mashed potatoes. They were awesome. We'll see about dinner tonight. Maybe I'll use my super-fantastic-special-amazing (right. lol) baking skills. Plus Colin and I are gonna make cookies tomorrow since it's Valentine's Day!
And to you, sometimes it's worth it to listen to your own advice. Whether they're your significant other or not, go make cookies with your best friend tomorrow. Or go go-karting. Or watch movies. Or don't. Spend time with people you love, even if that means pampering yourself. You deserve it. :)
Until next time,
I'll be smiling. :)
Moving on, my school's internet absolutely sucks. I shouldn't say that right now, cause I can actually load a video via youtube. It's awesome, I can't ever do that. And now I can't stop listening to Relient K. My friend asked me the other day if I liked them, and since then, that's all I can listen to.
OH OH. AND MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS FIXED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME?! Maybe not, because maybe you don't know me and maybe nobody reads this in the first place. Who knows. All I know is I fell asleep shortly after getting to watch The Walking Dead at 11. AND I woke up BEFORE my alarm told me to! I don't know the last time that happened... if it ever did.
I just got excited over going to sleep. My life is so lame. XD But hey, I went to Chuck E Cheese last week. And Dammit, I enjoyed it. Plus I made dinner last night, meatloaf and cheesy bacon mashed potatoes. They were awesome. We'll see about dinner tonight. Maybe I'll use my super-fantastic-special-amazing (right. lol) baking skills. Plus Colin and I are gonna make cookies tomorrow since it's Valentine's Day!
And to you, sometimes it's worth it to listen to your own advice. Whether they're your significant other or not, go make cookies with your best friend tomorrow. Or go go-karting. Or watch movies. Or don't. Spend time with people you love, even if that means pampering yourself. You deserve it. :)
Until next time,
I'll be smiling. :)
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
It's done. Finito, finished. Nick and I are done and we're not happening again. After talking with a mutual friend of ours, I realized that I'm really not in love with him anymore. I was in love with the idea that I might end up with my best friend, my high school sweetheart, but he's not that guy anymore. And I've changed a little as well. I don't really like that, and I'm changing it. Let's go, World. I'm sick of being me against you. Today I feel really optimistic. I feel cute, I feel fun, I feel like somebody is going to appreciate me today. Mostly though, I'm going to appreciate me. Fuck relying on others to make me happy. I'm an amazing person and well, I'm tired of forgetting that.
So today, I'm gonna play Resident Evil 4 and piss my pants at the Regenerators, I'm gonna watch The Walking Dead (WOO!!), rock out with Colin's badass headphones, and maybe play Call of Duty with Alex, my new "boyfriend". ;)
And to you, I hope today you feel like you can take on the world. You can.
Until later,
I play too much xbox.
So today, I'm gonna play Resident Evil 4 and piss my pants at the Regenerators, I'm gonna watch The Walking Dead (WOO!!), rock out with Colin's badass headphones, and maybe play Call of Duty with Alex, my new "boyfriend". ;)
And to you, I hope today you feel like you can take on the world. You can.
Until later,
I play too much xbox.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Today I decided I really regret
Losing hotass mc hot face's number. I met some guy at the bar at my sister's bachelorette party. He was suuuuper cute, sweet, and way funny. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, he texted me and I accidentally deleted it. AAAAGGGHHH. So instead of dating douchefag mc-I-ignore-my-girlfriend-for-weeks-at-a-time, I could be with someone who actually wants to come visit me, who gets excited to talk to me, who doesn't ignore me... you know. The good stuff.
Seriously, all I want is to be loved. Why am I settling for this shit? Continually lowering my standards for what reason? Why be in a relationship if you're not happy? It's supposed to go two ways, not one person trying to hold it up for the both of them. If you don't want to be with someone, fine. But don't drag them through the mud.
Ladies (and gentlemen), don't settle. You deserve the best. Find someone who loves you like you love them. Be happy with who you're with. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy. Let hotass mc hot face take you out to lunch. ;)
Sincerely,
Too Fucking Cute For This
Seriously, all I want is to be loved. Why am I settling for this shit? Continually lowering my standards for what reason? Why be in a relationship if you're not happy? It's supposed to go two ways, not one person trying to hold it up for the both of them. If you don't want to be with someone, fine. But don't drag them through the mud.
Ladies (and gentlemen), don't settle. You deserve the best. Find someone who loves you like you love them. Be happy with who you're with. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy. Let hotass mc hot face take you out to lunch. ;)
Sincerely,
Too Fucking Cute For This
Sunday, February 5, 2012
What would you do?
You're a German mother in the middle of the Holocaust. Your son's best friend is Jewish, but the SS don't know of your connection with his family yet. The boy's mother, someone who has helped you in the past with some serious stuff, pleads with you. She needs somewhere to hide with her family: her, her husband, and son. You know the possible consequences of hiding a Jew, but you want to help. Honestly, what would you do?
You witness an argument online that involves a couple different people you know. The topic is something pretty controversial, like abortion. It's pretty much one against four, but that one person is making a better argument than the other four, because almost all of their facts are common misconceptions. However, the one person is "losing" the argument because of the sheer ignorance of the others. Do you step in to make a point and defend the other's argument? or do you ignore it? What would you do?
You're completely in love with your best friend's boyfriend of 2 years. They have arguments all the time, but you also know that there are good times. Still, you know you're in love. Do you tell him? Do you talk to your best friend about it? What would you do?
You've been with your boyfriend for awhile, you're pretty sure you're in love, and your biggest celebrity crush shows up at your door and wants a shot with you. What would you do? ;)
You said no to your celeb, but late down the road, you're losing your guy. He's not calling anymore, he's not trying, but says he still wants to be with you. You're pretty sure you're losing him emotionally, but you don't want to walk away because you're absolutely in love. What would you do?
What do I do?
You witness an argument online that involves a couple different people you know. The topic is something pretty controversial, like abortion. It's pretty much one against four, but that one person is making a better argument than the other four, because almost all of their facts are common misconceptions. However, the one person is "losing" the argument because of the sheer ignorance of the others. Do you step in to make a point and defend the other's argument? or do you ignore it? What would you do?
You're completely in love with your best friend's boyfriend of 2 years. They have arguments all the time, but you also know that there are good times. Still, you know you're in love. Do you tell him? Do you talk to your best friend about it? What would you do?
You've been with your boyfriend for awhile, you're pretty sure you're in love, and your biggest celebrity crush shows up at your door and wants a shot with you. What would you do? ;)
You said no to your celeb, but late down the road, you're losing your guy. He's not calling anymore, he's not trying, but says he still wants to be with you. You're pretty sure you're losing him emotionally, but you don't want to walk away because you're absolutely in love. What would you do?
What do I do?
Friday, February 3, 2012
I love that picture.
The picture of me and Nick on the bridge, from my first post. It was just like our first kiss, and it's my favorite kind. When you're both smiling when you kiss... it makes it a little bit harder but it's also that much more enjoyable. What can I say? I love kissing him and I love smiling. It's a double positive. :)
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Today, I am happy.
Man, I am on a ROLL with these blog posts. It feels like a purple font kind of post, too. I am currently running on ZERO sleep as per usual.
I made the horrifying realization last night that it's been well over a month since I've played LoZ: Skyward Sword. I haven't even beaten it yet! It's sad, I know. I'm just gonna lie and say it's because I've been trying to be a good student. In reality, I'm so stressed out that I can't do anything. Have you ever been there; your brain is at a mental road block and the only thing you have to try and break it down is a rock?
Maybe I should get to work on that wall by studying for the chemistry exam I have in 3 hours...
Sincerely,
Still a zombie.
I made the horrifying realization last night that it's been well over a month since I've played LoZ: Skyward Sword. I haven't even beaten it yet! It's sad, I know. I'm just gonna lie and say it's because I've been trying to be a good student. In reality, I'm so stressed out that I can't do anything. Have you ever been there; your brain is at a mental road block and the only thing you have to try and break it down is a rock?
Maybe I should get to work on that wall by studying for the chemistry exam I have in 3 hours...
Sincerely,
Still a zombie.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Just Like the Movies...
Since today is another Rachel-is-covered-in-really-itchy-and-unexplained-hives day, I decided it should also be watch-movies-Netflix-categorizes-as-emotional day. I just finished a movie called Listen to Your Heart about a songwriter who falls in love with a Deaf girl. I know it might be ironic, but anybody who knows me would know that any guy who can sing AND knows sign is my dream guy. (Aside from Nick of course. ;b) Plus the actor is super cute... whoa baby.
Ogling aside, the story was so cute. It was just... true love. I know it's just a movie, but does this stuff happen in real life? Do you ever see love stories like this? I personally haven't ever seen it, but how do you know unless you're looking for it? Maybe someone else is having a storybook romance unfold right in front of them, and only they know. Maybe it happens often, but people don't realize it because you don't see everything someone does. You can see it in a movie of course, but you don't know if a person thinks about you all the time. Someone can say they do, but how often do you get that genuine kind of love? How do you know when someone says "I think about you all the time" out of love or infatuation? How do you even know the terms in which you'd say it? I don't know when I fell in love with Nick. I don't even know the general time. Maybe it's kinda always been there, like when something is dormant. That makes love sound like some kind of disease or something. Maybe it is. Love can really be a bitch.
Love,
Me.
Ogling aside, the story was so cute. It was just... true love. I know it's just a movie, but does this stuff happen in real life? Do you ever see love stories like this? I personally haven't ever seen it, but how do you know unless you're looking for it? Maybe someone else is having a storybook romance unfold right in front of them, and only they know. Maybe it happens often, but people don't realize it because you don't see everything someone does. You can see it in a movie of course, but you don't know if a person thinks about you all the time. Someone can say they do, but how often do you get that genuine kind of love? How do you know when someone says "I think about you all the time" out of love or infatuation? How do you even know the terms in which you'd say it? I don't know when I fell in love with Nick. I don't even know the general time. Maybe it's kinda always been there, like when something is dormant. That makes love sound like some kind of disease or something. Maybe it is. Love can really be a bitch.
Love,
Me.
And so it begins...
Hello internet world. If I don't know you, nice to meet you. If I do know you, well... I don't know how you stumbled across my blog, but hello anyway.
I suppose I can start off with a little bit about me, but be prepared; most days I'm negative, pessimistic, and angry. I'm diabetic, a sophomore in college, completely lost at where I'm going, and completely in love. I love zombies, chapstick, xbox, diet mountain dew, Nick, sign language, Harry Potter, and Bo Burnham. I hate bad drivers, people who aren't ever empathetic, being cold, being hot, social networking (lol), the way my nose looks from the side, the sound of people eating, and bad grammar. The rest you can find out as time goes on. :)
So about a week ago, I stepped away from Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, blah blah blah... I'd have to say, that was a fantastic idea. While I am definitely out of the loop on things, I'm way less stressed. No more worrying about drama. Woo. I'd suggest everyone try it for a little. I feel so free! Or something like that...
Actually, if we're being honest about our feelings, I feel like shit. All the time. I literally hate every minute I'm awake, which is even worse because I don't know HOW but somehow I've developed extreme insomnia. I get like 4 hours of sleep per night at most, if I even go to sleep at all. I hate to make my first blog about negative feelings and whiny cries out but to be honest, it's the entire reason I started this thing. So begin rant-ish thing:
I've been with a guy on and off for over 2 years now. I shouldn't just say "a guy" because he's not just a guy. You know how when life seems grey everyone is black and white, then there's one person who is just... they glow? Maybe you don't, but that's kinda how I know I'm in love. But what do you do when the opposite isn't the same? I hate when I look at other guys who are just completely head over heels for their girls... Always saying how much they love the girl, going out of their way to make her smile, saying cute things, etc. I realized that I never had that. Not even at our best, we were never like that. Which for awhile was okay with me. Nick has his own way of doing things. He has different values than other people and different weaknesses. I could try to explain him but it wouldn't do justice. I was happy, and that's all that mattered. I don't know where things changed, but they did. I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore, which I've kinda learned to accept but it's more like I'm in zombie mode now. Granted that's not all because of Nick, but everything that ever went wrong with us is like caving in on me. I want to fix it, and I want everything to be okay for good. Maybe it's too late for that. Maybe I'm just not that special. I'd say maybe I'm not supposed to be with Nick, and maybe I'm not, but there's not a single person in the world who comes even close to him. I'm hoping to ride this out and things can finally work out for us. Not likely, but I'm trying. I guess I'm just burning out. He was supposed to call last night... I don't know how many times I've said that. :\
Here's to things getting better. I don't want to be negative and unhappy anymore. I'm really sick of wanting to crash my car into a building. I'm really tired of saying that and not kidding.
Until next time,
Me.
I suppose I can start off with a little bit about me, but be prepared; most days I'm negative, pessimistic, and angry. I'm diabetic, a sophomore in college, completely lost at where I'm going, and completely in love. I love zombies, chapstick, xbox, diet mountain dew, Nick, sign language, Harry Potter, and Bo Burnham. I hate bad drivers, people who aren't ever empathetic, being cold, being hot, social networking (lol), the way my nose looks from the side, the sound of people eating, and bad grammar. The rest you can find out as time goes on. :)
So about a week ago, I stepped away from Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, blah blah blah... I'd have to say, that was a fantastic idea. While I am definitely out of the loop on things, I'm way less stressed. No more worrying about drama. Woo. I'd suggest everyone try it for a little. I feel so free! Or something like that...
Actually, if we're being honest about our feelings, I feel like shit. All the time. I literally hate every minute I'm awake, which is even worse because I don't know HOW but somehow I've developed extreme insomnia. I get like 4 hours of sleep per night at most, if I even go to sleep at all. I hate to make my first blog about negative feelings and whiny cries out but to be honest, it's the entire reason I started this thing. So begin rant-ish thing:
I've been with a guy on and off for over 2 years now. I shouldn't just say "a guy" because he's not just a guy. You know how when life seems grey everyone is black and white, then there's one person who is just... they glow? Maybe you don't, but that's kinda how I know I'm in love. But what do you do when the opposite isn't the same? I hate when I look at other guys who are just completely head over heels for their girls... Always saying how much they love the girl, going out of their way to make her smile, saying cute things, etc. I realized that I never had that. Not even at our best, we were never like that. Which for awhile was okay with me. Nick has his own way of doing things. He has different values than other people and different weaknesses. I could try to explain him but it wouldn't do justice. I was happy, and that's all that mattered. I don't know where things changed, but they did. I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore, which I've kinda learned to accept but it's more like I'm in zombie mode now. Granted that's not all because of Nick, but everything that ever went wrong with us is like caving in on me. I want to fix it, and I want everything to be okay for good. Maybe it's too late for that. Maybe I'm just not that special. I'd say maybe I'm not supposed to be with Nick, and maybe I'm not, but there's not a single person in the world who comes even close to him. I'm hoping to ride this out and things can finally work out for us. Not likely, but I'm trying. I guess I'm just burning out. He was supposed to call last night... I don't know how many times I've said that. :\
Here's to things getting better. I don't want to be negative and unhappy anymore. I'm really sick of wanting to crash my car into a building. I'm really tired of saying that and not kidding.
Until next time,
Me.
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