My arms feel week. My breathing is short and my mind is racing. Right now, I see him. We speak no words, he just walks up and embraces me. The ice that has been encasing my heart for the last year melts as I feel his hands meet my back. It has been so long, I have forgotten how he feels in my arms.
Last year, I had the opportunity to take his hand and face the world. Together. Instead, I crossed my arms and turned away. I had been crushed by a previous love, and from that I learned never to trust anyone else with my band-aid covered heart. But I wanted to. Oh, I really wanted to. I just couldn't do it. Better to be safe than sorry, right? I had my friends, who were great company, and a 12-week old extremely playful Siberian Husky. I wish I could have seen how wrong I was to think that would suffice. After I tasted the new flavor of life that he brought, I was hooked. I still am.
He pulls away and I notice in his eyes that life hasn't been very kind to him. He smiles at me, and for a moment, my feet are in the sand, our fingers are interlocked, my head is on his shoulder, and the sun is painting what I feel onto its canvas that is the sky. I blink and my feet are now covered with ratty converse instead of sand. Lake Huron is no longer meeting the horizon. I am standing on scuffed tiling, surrounded by over the counter medications and toothpaste. Rite-Aid in Grand Rapids hardly holds the same opportunity for an intimate connection as Caseville did, but I'm not complaining. We could be standing next to the county dump and I would still be on cloud nine. I missed that smile.
His eyes take their turn to speak. I don't know what his recent past holds but it must not have been positive. His green eyes are slightly sunken, wrinkles are formed on the corners, and he just looks... older. I feel my hand try to reach for his. I need to make everything better. Instead, my hand finds my own face, as if I need to assure it's still there. I walked away from him. I left him to face the world alone. His heart was broken the same way my previous love had broken mine.
Why can't I speak? There is so much I want to say. I'm sorry. I love you. You are still the one who holds my heart and I was so wrong to push you away. But I am frozen. I need to say something, but I can't.
Suddenly, I missed my chance. I'm staring into the darkness in the direction of my ceiling and I realize it was all a dream. You came back, but only in my mind. My eyes squeeze shut and I am begging my brain to take me back. But it's too late. You're gone.
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