Literally. Today I'm moving out of college for the Summer, finishing up my second year at GVSU. This year completely flew by. I swear, just yesterday I was in New York, and just before that I was moving in! Unfortunately it was the worst year academically, but that's just a bump in the road. I'm growing up now. This will be my last Summer in Flint, which is kinda scary. Who will I stay in touch with? Am I really growing up? What if I want to stay here and play Quidditch forever? :)
I'm fine really. It's just weird to think how fast the pace is that my life is moving. I can't wait to spend the next couple months with my family because on July 20th, I actually move out here. I won't live in a dorm or anything, I'm actually living in a townhouse. Weird! Ah!
Brayden is getting so big, and I haven't seen him in over a month. I cannot wait until he gets here. I met some pretty awesome people at college and I love them but I wouldn't stay another day here over seeing him. Now if only Kaela, Nick, and Dominick lived in Michigan...
I should probably go pack my stuff now.
Until Next Time,
No more dying of heat! :D
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
I Don't Really Do My Best Thinking in the Shower
Well, life is still confusing. College is weird and people are interesting. Life is both, plus some.
In a way, I'm glad that "success" and money are important. It gives you something to work for, but I feel like most people think that success IS money when really I think it isn't. College is supposed to be the best years of your life, right? Here we are able to explore paths that aren't available to us in other parts of our life. At the same time, isn't it hindering? We're expected to figure things out in the first year of college (they say 2 years, but they're lying) but that's only considering what you've experienced so far in life. There are so many things to take into consideration aside from a career when trying to plan out your life that you almost have to be able to see into the future to do it. I've always been the kind of person to play things out in my head before they happen, only to find they don't happen how I expect them to at all. I also try to force a path to go one way, when it's clearly trying to go another. Why am I so filled with anxiety because I'm so bent on making the best decisions? Am I just scared that life isn't going to be what I want it to be? And what exactly is it that I want from life?
I've learned that it's possible to fall into a cycle of expecting bad things to happen and consequently causing the self-fulfilling prophecy thing to occur, which in turn makes me lose faith in other things. I've also learned that I am comfortable in that cycle. I'm comfortable with expecting to be let down, then not being so disappointed when it happens. I'm comfortable letting other people down to avoid high expectations of me. I am comfortable in not having confidence to succeed, which to me is more than just finance, but I still haven't defined it yet. It's only today that I realized I'm not okay with any of this. Yes it's familiar, and maybe it's cozy. But I don't want to be here anymore. Why should I be okay with something less than great?
Aside from trying to figure out my career choice in college, I feel like it's where I am finding my confidence and learning what success is. Living below the standard I found here makes me realize that if I set myself up to fail, that's exactly what will happen. Forget trying to plan life out, that only makes me expect disappointment. I will find success, and I refuse to have it any other way.
Until next time,
When in doubt, chapstick.
In a way, I'm glad that "success" and money are important. It gives you something to work for, but I feel like most people think that success IS money when really I think it isn't. College is supposed to be the best years of your life, right? Here we are able to explore paths that aren't available to us in other parts of our life. At the same time, isn't it hindering? We're expected to figure things out in the first year of college (they say 2 years, but they're lying) but that's only considering what you've experienced so far in life. There are so many things to take into consideration aside from a career when trying to plan out your life that you almost have to be able to see into the future to do it. I've always been the kind of person to play things out in my head before they happen, only to find they don't happen how I expect them to at all. I also try to force a path to go one way, when it's clearly trying to go another. Why am I so filled with anxiety because I'm so bent on making the best decisions? Am I just scared that life isn't going to be what I want it to be? And what exactly is it that I want from life?
I've learned that it's possible to fall into a cycle of expecting bad things to happen and consequently causing the self-fulfilling prophecy thing to occur, which in turn makes me lose faith in other things. I've also learned that I am comfortable in that cycle. I'm comfortable with expecting to be let down, then not being so disappointed when it happens. I'm comfortable letting other people down to avoid high expectations of me. I am comfortable in not having confidence to succeed, which to me is more than just finance, but I still haven't defined it yet. It's only today that I realized I'm not okay with any of this. Yes it's familiar, and maybe it's cozy. But I don't want to be here anymore. Why should I be okay with something less than great?
Aside from trying to figure out my career choice in college, I feel like it's where I am finding my confidence and learning what success is. Living below the standard I found here makes me realize that if I set myself up to fail, that's exactly what will happen. Forget trying to plan life out, that only makes me expect disappointment. I will find success, and I refuse to have it any other way.
Until next time,
When in doubt, chapstick.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Letter I'll Never Send #2
To you,
It's been awhile, and I'm surprised it's taken me this long. I hope life is alright with you. In case you were wondering, I've been okay. It's hard sometimes to remember to relax in life. I need to just be patient and stop trying to grow up so fast. My years are going by fast and I hardly get to stop and take a breath. I've been lucky enough to do it a lot recently though. You probably don't know this, but I've been signing a lot lately. I feel like God has been trying to guide me this way for awhile. Maybe not God, but something. He's still something I'm pretty unsure of. We talked about Him a little over the course of our friendship, and I don't think much has changed as far as that goes.
I wish you were still here. Sometimes I want to just be next to you and talk about a lot of the stuff we used to. I liked your view on life. I'm pretty curious to know if that's changed. At the same time, I really hope you're doing your own thing. I hope things are going in the direction you couldn't go with me there. I think I've changed a bit, even within the last month. Can't really fight it forever, can you? :)
In the small chance you will actually read this, I want you to know that I've forgiven you, and I've forgiven myself. I don't believe in fate, but I know we were supposed to cross paths. You strengthened me as a person, and for that I will always be grateful. I hope in the end, I had some positive effect on you too. I understand that no matter how much you want something to turn out one way, or how hard you try to push it in one direction, it's gonna do its own thing. And now we're only left with memories. In some way, moments with you are like 90's cartoons. Sometimes I'm gonna flip on netflix to watch with nostalgia, but they're not being made anymore. Maybe someday I'll find cartoons I like better, but at the moment 90s cartoons are still the best. ;)
I won't say anymore for now, even though you know I could talk for hours. I just wanted you to know that I still smile when I think of you.
Until we meet again,
Rachel
It's been awhile, and I'm surprised it's taken me this long. I hope life is alright with you. In case you were wondering, I've been okay. It's hard sometimes to remember to relax in life. I need to just be patient and stop trying to grow up so fast. My years are going by fast and I hardly get to stop and take a breath. I've been lucky enough to do it a lot recently though. You probably don't know this, but I've been signing a lot lately. I feel like God has been trying to guide me this way for awhile. Maybe not God, but something. He's still something I'm pretty unsure of. We talked about Him a little over the course of our friendship, and I don't think much has changed as far as that goes.
I wish you were still here. Sometimes I want to just be next to you and talk about a lot of the stuff we used to. I liked your view on life. I'm pretty curious to know if that's changed. At the same time, I really hope you're doing your own thing. I hope things are going in the direction you couldn't go with me there. I think I've changed a bit, even within the last month. Can't really fight it forever, can you? :)
In the small chance you will actually read this, I want you to know that I've forgiven you, and I've forgiven myself. I don't believe in fate, but I know we were supposed to cross paths. You strengthened me as a person, and for that I will always be grateful. I hope in the end, I had some positive effect on you too. I understand that no matter how much you want something to turn out one way, or how hard you try to push it in one direction, it's gonna do its own thing. And now we're only left with memories. In some way, moments with you are like 90's cartoons. Sometimes I'm gonna flip on netflix to watch with nostalgia, but they're not being made anymore. Maybe someday I'll find cartoons I like better, but at the moment 90s cartoons are still the best. ;)
I won't say anymore for now, even though you know I could talk for hours. I just wanted you to know that I still smile when I think of you.
Until we meet again,
Rachel
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
My heart is in my stomach...
My arms feel week. My breathing is short and my mind is racing. Right now, I see him. We speak no words, he just walks up and embraces me. The ice that has been encasing my heart for the last year melts as I feel his hands meet my back. It has been so long, I have forgotten how he feels in my arms.
Last year, I had the opportunity to take his hand and face the world. Together. Instead, I crossed my arms and turned away. I had been crushed by a previous love, and from that I learned never to trust anyone else with my band-aid covered heart. But I wanted to. Oh, I really wanted to. I just couldn't do it. Better to be safe than sorry, right? I had my friends, who were great company, and a 12-week old extremely playful Siberian Husky. I wish I could have seen how wrong I was to think that would suffice. After I tasted the new flavor of life that he brought, I was hooked. I still am.
He pulls away and I notice in his eyes that life hasn't been very kind to him. He smiles at me, and for a moment, my feet are in the sand, our fingers are interlocked, my head is on his shoulder, and the sun is painting what I feel onto its canvas that is the sky. I blink and my feet are now covered with ratty converse instead of sand. Lake Huron is no longer meeting the horizon. I am standing on scuffed tiling, surrounded by over the counter medications and toothpaste. Rite-Aid in Grand Rapids hardly holds the same opportunity for an intimate connection as Caseville did, but I'm not complaining. We could be standing next to the county dump and I would still be on cloud nine. I missed that smile.
His eyes take their turn to speak. I don't know what his recent past holds but it must not have been positive. His green eyes are slightly sunken, wrinkles are formed on the corners, and he just looks... older. I feel my hand try to reach for his. I need to make everything better. Instead, my hand finds my own face, as if I need to assure it's still there. I walked away from him. I left him to face the world alone. His heart was broken the same way my previous love had broken mine.
Why can't I speak? There is so much I want to say. I'm sorry. I love you. You are still the one who holds my heart and I was so wrong to push you away. But I am frozen. I need to say something, but I can't.
Suddenly, I missed my chance. I'm staring into the darkness in the direction of my ceiling and I realize it was all a dream. You came back, but only in my mind. My eyes squeeze shut and I am begging my brain to take me back. But it's too late. You're gone.
Last year, I had the opportunity to take his hand and face the world. Together. Instead, I crossed my arms and turned away. I had been crushed by a previous love, and from that I learned never to trust anyone else with my band-aid covered heart. But I wanted to. Oh, I really wanted to. I just couldn't do it. Better to be safe than sorry, right? I had my friends, who were great company, and a 12-week old extremely playful Siberian Husky. I wish I could have seen how wrong I was to think that would suffice. After I tasted the new flavor of life that he brought, I was hooked. I still am.
He pulls away and I notice in his eyes that life hasn't been very kind to him. He smiles at me, and for a moment, my feet are in the sand, our fingers are interlocked, my head is on his shoulder, and the sun is painting what I feel onto its canvas that is the sky. I blink and my feet are now covered with ratty converse instead of sand. Lake Huron is no longer meeting the horizon. I am standing on scuffed tiling, surrounded by over the counter medications and toothpaste. Rite-Aid in Grand Rapids hardly holds the same opportunity for an intimate connection as Caseville did, but I'm not complaining. We could be standing next to the county dump and I would still be on cloud nine. I missed that smile.
His eyes take their turn to speak. I don't know what his recent past holds but it must not have been positive. His green eyes are slightly sunken, wrinkles are formed on the corners, and he just looks... older. I feel my hand try to reach for his. I need to make everything better. Instead, my hand finds my own face, as if I need to assure it's still there. I walked away from him. I left him to face the world alone. His heart was broken the same way my previous love had broken mine.
Why can't I speak? There is so much I want to say. I'm sorry. I love you. You are still the one who holds my heart and I was so wrong to push you away. But I am frozen. I need to say something, but I can't.
Suddenly, I missed my chance. I'm staring into the darkness in the direction of my ceiling and I realize it was all a dream. You came back, but only in my mind. My eyes squeeze shut and I am begging my brain to take me back. But it's too late. You're gone.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Sometimes...
People often assume things that aren't true. Specifically, that I'm a heartless bitch. I guess, since that's how certain people have been acting toward me lately. Just in case you're reading this, and you think this of me, I hope I never did anything to you to make you think that. While I often don't like myself, I try to be a better person to those around me. Give yourself a chance to really know me before you assume, and I'll do the same.
Moving on, today I went to the beach with a friend of mine. We chatted about a lot. Family, God, boys, reading saxophone playing Swedish super model chefs who are always stocked with sunscreen and chapstick... I forgot something there. But you get my point. I've got to grow up. I've got to get a job and start depending on myself. While I have friends, the only person who has ever been able to see every side of me (and understand each one) isn't here anymore. How do you emotionally depend on one person for so long and then stop? What am I supposed to do now? I mean, I can't force that connection with anyone but I crave it so bad. I need to be able to show my rawest form to my best friend without any conditions or consequences. I just don't have that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting down the friends I have, I love them. But I need a best friend. I need a family that can hold themselves together. I need to learn how to be happy with myself.
I guess this was just a bad week.
Until next time,
Come on.
Moving on, today I went to the beach with a friend of mine. We chatted about a lot. Family, God, boys, reading saxophone playing Swedish super model chefs who are always stocked with sunscreen and chapstick... I forgot something there. But you get my point. I've got to grow up. I've got to get a job and start depending on myself. While I have friends, the only person who has ever been able to see every side of me (and understand each one) isn't here anymore. How do you emotionally depend on one person for so long and then stop? What am I supposed to do now? I mean, I can't force that connection with anyone but I crave it so bad. I need to be able to show my rawest form to my best friend without any conditions or consequences. I just don't have that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting down the friends I have, I love them. But I need a best friend. I need a family that can hold themselves together. I need to learn how to be happy with myself.
I guess this was just a bad week.
Until next time,
Come on.
Monday, March 19, 2012
I Love Quidditch Players
They are easily some of my favorite kind of people. The passion of a competitive sport PLUS the basis of Harry Potter... these are the kind of people I want to be surrounded by. I can't help but to be in a good mood around my team. The fire I feel in me when my head is down, my eyes are shut, knee on the ground, and I'm waiting to hear the "b" in "brooms up" is such an incredible thing to feel when you know 13 other people on the pitch are feeling the same thing you are.
I'll stop swooning over Quidditch now, and just give an update on the last week of my life. SO MUCH PLANNING. But our tournament went extremely well. 5 teams ended up there: us, the Jetpack Ninja Dinosaurs from Space, Ball State University, IUSB, and Central Michigan University. Even though we had some road bumps along the way, I would have to say it was extremely successful. We ended up taking third, and I have never been so proud of my team. Every single person played from the heart and you could definitely see it. The programs we made came out really well, the pitch turned out nice, the weather was gorgeous, the sound system worked well, and the people were awesome.
We've got another tournament coming up on the 31st at MSU. I'm hoping I'll be up and running again by next week so I can get some more practice in. I'm ready to get on the ground again. I can't wait.
Until next time,
Quidditch or GTFO.
I'll stop swooning over Quidditch now, and just give an update on the last week of my life. SO MUCH PLANNING. But our tournament went extremely well. 5 teams ended up there: us, the Jetpack Ninja Dinosaurs from Space, Ball State University, IUSB, and Central Michigan University. Even though we had some road bumps along the way, I would have to say it was extremely successful. We ended up taking third, and I have never been so proud of my team. Every single person played from the heart and you could definitely see it. The programs we made came out really well, the pitch turned out nice, the weather was gorgeous, the sound system worked well, and the people were awesome.
We've got another tournament coming up on the 31st at MSU. I'm hoping I'll be up and running again by next week so I can get some more practice in. I'm ready to get on the ground again. I can't wait.
Until next time,
Quidditch or GTFO.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Hello Sunshine!
It's so beautiful here. Right now, I'm sitting outside, creating an ad for this weekend, and I'm not even at my own place... haha. Well, if you want to be technical, I'm typing this blog and not creating an ad, but you understand my point, right? The weather over the past couple days has been phenomenal. Yesterday, it hit 80 degrees. I was seriously contemplating going to the beach. Then I remembered that it is March, I had Quidditch practice, and the water was probably freezing. But, a girl can dream, right? :)
The weather has been giving me all kinds of good feelings. I haven't been really down lately or anything, just kinda in a constant "eh" mood. It's like, I'm optimistic. I'm ready to tackle some Quidditch players on Saturday. :) While there's still a lot to be done before Saturday, I'm proud of how much work and effort that has already been put into this, not even just from our team. We've made almost $100 just from advertising in our program, and we've got volunteers coming from other schools to help us out. The Quidditch community includes some of my favorite people in the world.
Speaking of Quidditch... kinda... I officially registered for this year's LeakyCon! I haven't been to any of the previous ones, but since I know some really awesome dedicated HP fans like myself (who also happen to be Quidditch players... YEAH.), I will be heading to Chicago this August to go nerd it out. I'm way too excited for this. My life is awesome.
On a completely separate note, I, and I'm sure many others, really wish I had a remote control for life. Right now I wish I could just pause time, frolic in the warm sunshine, take a nap, check off everything on my to-do list, and maybe even clean the apartment.
However, since I don't have this remote, I'm gonna go try to get some of those things done with the little time I have. ;)
Until next time,
Ready to kick some muggle ass. ;)
The weather has been giving me all kinds of good feelings. I haven't been really down lately or anything, just kinda in a constant "eh" mood. It's like, I'm optimistic. I'm ready to tackle some Quidditch players on Saturday. :) While there's still a lot to be done before Saturday, I'm proud of how much work and effort that has already been put into this, not even just from our team. We've made almost $100 just from advertising in our program, and we've got volunteers coming from other schools to help us out. The Quidditch community includes some of my favorite people in the world.
Speaking of Quidditch... kinda... I officially registered for this year's LeakyCon! I haven't been to any of the previous ones, but since I know some really awesome dedicated HP fans like myself (who also happen to be Quidditch players... YEAH.), I will be heading to Chicago this August to go nerd it out. I'm way too excited for this. My life is awesome.
On a completely separate note, I, and I'm sure many others, really wish I had a remote control for life. Right now I wish I could just pause time, frolic in the warm sunshine, take a nap, check off everything on my to-do list, and maybe even clean the apartment.
However, since I don't have this remote, I'm gonna go try to get some of those things done with the little time I have. ;)
Until next time,
Ready to kick some muggle ass. ;)
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