I Don't Hate Valentine's Day

Yeah, I'm newly single and my ex-boyfriend's v-day present may have just come in the mail but you know what? I refuse to be bitter. It makes me think of baking chocolate and I'm definitely NOT baking chocolate. I'm more like white chocolate chips with like raspberry swirl. Only maybe like strawberry. I dunno, I'm just not bittersweet chocolate. Bleh.
I spent yesterday with my best friend, pizza, silly string, a sock monkey, light sabers, Star Wars masks, Chinese food and cookies. I definitely enjoyed the day, but in a way it made me feel like shit. Why is it that I have something so amazing in front of me, but I just can't accept it? Someone who would genuinely want to be with me, who treats me like I always wanted to be treated is RIGHT THERE and I just can't do it. I don't understand what makes me want to be in a broken relationship with someone so bad and completely brush off the ones with a lot of potential...

I know I talk about love a lot, but it's by far the most complicated emotion I have ever had the pleasure/torment of experiencing. It's the only emotion that can make me feel either like I'm standing on top of the world or falling to my knees. I hate that my past (and most likely current, truthfully) feelings are embedded into literally every single thing I do/see/feel. I hate how at some points in the day I feel like I've got so many paths I can choose from, but a couple hours later, when I'm alone in my bed and I have time to think, I only want to turn around and go back down the path I just came from. I just don't think I'm made out to be apathetic. And I don't think I'm made to give up. Maybe that's why I hang on to things for much longer than I should. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting go. But maybe I'm changing, because this time is much easier.

Maybe I don't want to change. One of my closest friends told me last night that I haven't changed a bit. I don't know how much I agree with that, but at the core I am the same. I've messed up my surface a bit and I don't like it, like I've said before. I'm working on it, though, and eventually I'll get there. Eventually.

But what if this was my last post? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, because I'm not, I'm just really curious about death. My point though is if I were to die before my next post, I wouldn't be who I want to be. I'm not satisfied with life, I just don't know what it is that I'm craving. I've experienced love (I think), college, heartbreak, blah blah. What am I missing out on? Why do I bring about more questions when I think about other questions? And what is so fascinating about death? 

I guess some questions never get answered.

Until next time,
My head is swimming.