I suppose I can start off with a little bit about me, but be prepared; most days I'm negative, pessimistic, and angry. I'm diabetic, a sophomore in college, completely lost at where I'm going, and completely in love. I love zombies, chapstick, xbox, diet mountain dew, Nick, sign language, Harry Potter, and Bo Burnham. I hate bad drivers, people who aren't ever empathetic, being cold, being hot, social networking (lol), the way my nose looks from the side, the sound of people eating, and bad grammar. The rest you can find out as time goes on. :)
So about a week ago, I stepped away from Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, blah blah blah... I'd have to say, that was a fantastic idea. While I am definitely out of the loop on things, I'm way less stressed. No more worrying about drama. Woo. I'd suggest everyone try it for a little. I feel so free! Or something like that...
Actually, if we're being honest about our feelings, I feel like shit. All the time. I literally hate every minute I'm awake, which is even worse because I don't know HOW but somehow I've developed extreme insomnia. I get like 4 hours of sleep per night at most, if I even go to sleep at all. I hate to make my first blog about negative feelings and whiny cries out but to be honest, it's the entire reason I started this thing. So begin rant-ish thing:
I've been with a guy on and off for over 2 years now. I shouldn't just say "a guy" because he's not just a guy. You know how when life seems grey everyone is black and white, then there's one person who is just... they glow? Maybe you don't, but that's kinda how I know I'm in love. But what do you do when the opposite isn't the same? I hate when I look at other guys who are just completely head over heels for their girls... Always saying how much they love the girl, going out of their way to make her smile, saying cute things, etc. I realized that I never had that. Not even at our best, we were never like that. Which for awhile was okay with me. Nick has his own way of doing things. He has different values than other people and different weaknesses. I could try to explain him but it wouldn't do justice. I was happy, and that's all that mattered. I don't know where things changed, but they did. I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore, which I've kinda learned to accept but it's more like I'm in zombie mode now. Granted that's not all because of Nick, but everything that ever went wrong with us is like caving in on me. I want to fix it, and I want everything to be okay for good. Maybe it's too late for that. Maybe I'm just not that special. I'd say maybe I'm not supposed to be with Nick, and maybe I'm not, but there's not a single person in the world who comes even close to him. I'm hoping to ride this out and things can finally work out for us. Not likely, but I'm trying. I guess I'm just burning out. He was supposed to call last night... I don't know how many times I've said that. :\
Here's to things getting better. I don't want to be negative and unhappy anymore. I'm really sick of wanting to crash my car into a building. I'm really tired of saying that and not kidding.
Until next time,
Me.
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